Olympics: Inside Edition

Like many of you, I've gone somewhat insane over the Olympics. But what I have enjoyed most about this Olympics is the addition of the commentary from hilarious bloggers like dogs and jeans and his witty daily posts, especially August 13th's entry: Paedomorphism versus Neotony in Chinese Gymnastics. And don't miss yeahtotallyright 's tributes to Beijing as well (see Aug. 13th).

Finally, thanks to my bosom buddy Kristine who was actually AT the Olympics in BEIJING and came home last Sunday, I have, what I feel quite certain is my exact take on the importance of the games had I, myself, been present. Because Kristine is my twin separated at birth (or roughly six months prior to birth). Here is what Kristine reported to me:

Item #1: THE OLYMPIC VOLUNTEERS
Hundreds of thousands of volunteers were apparently recruited by the government to help Beijing achieve their two primary objectives of the games: safety and cleanliness. Kristine estimates that there was one olympic volunteer stationed for each square yard in all of Beijing. If you dropped a coin, 72 olympic volunteers swarmed it to retrieve it for you. Kristine believes that they were taught approximately 10 English phrases and were only able to use those. Here were her favorites:
A. "Please to sit down". This one was used continually during all sporting events. Since the Chinese were trained in appropriate cheering and it strictly prohibited standing or crouching, 72 olympic volunteers would dash over to anyone in the crowd who had risen, and politely instruct them to sit down. I wonder how that went over with the Brazilian soccer fans? Please to sit down!
B. "Have a pleasant time!": This was used after all answered questions. Kristine's favorite use was for the following -
Kristine: Where is the bathroom?
Olympic Volunteer: It is to the right. Have a pleasant time!
C. "Thank you for your cooperation": This one was used after any and all requests. As in, "Please to sit down. Thank you for your cooperation." Very Heinlein, isn't it?

Also, there was an obvious hierarchy of cuteness. The closer you were to an important venue, the more attractive the volunteers became. If you wore glasses, you were relegated to concession stands.

Item #2: THE LOVE OF AMERICAN LETTERS, REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY SPELL OR MESSAGE CONVEYED
For more of this sort of fun, see blog An Englishman in Osaka. because the Japanese share this fascination.
A. Woman wearing a t-shirt that reads: "I give all happy smiles because I am in Cheerful Monkey!"
B. A child wearing a t-shirt with teddy bears having a tea party and over the bears is one giant word: HAMBURGER

Item #3: SECURITY CHECK-POINTS
What you can't see on TV is that it was impossible to get anywhere near any of the venues unless you had a ticket for an upcoming event. There were no less than 5 security check-points to pass before entering. Here is Kristine's experience getting into "The Nest":
Guard: (referring to Kristine's 5 granola bars, brought to share with her friends) Too much for one person! Choose 2!
Kristine: But they're for my family! They are for all of us to share.
Guard: Too much for one person! Choose 2!
Kristine: (chooses 2)
Guard: What is this?!
Kristine: It's lotion.
Guard: Use it!
Kristine: (uses it)
Guard: What is this?!
Kristine: Purell, for germs.
Guard: Use it!
Kristine: (Uses it.)
Guard: What is this?!
Kristine: Tic Tacs. For breath.
Guard: Eat one!
Kristine: (Eats one.)

That is why there were no Tic Tac bombs as the Olympics this year. Phew! I hope London is taking notes.

Item #4: YOU COULDN'T BUY ANYTHING "OLYMPICS" AT THE OLYMPICS
Now this one is quite confounding to my capitalistic soul because you KNOW that on every single corner at the Atlanta games you could buy anything from a t-shirt to a microwave oven with the Olympic logo. I asked her to get an Olympic hoodie sweatshirt for Rocky, and there were none, absolutely none to be found. I guess I'll have to go to Footlocker or something.

However, she did get the darling Chinese outfits for Posey and Pete. I threw in the picture of Rocky and Posey where Rocky is obviously not wearing the Olympic sweatshirt that the Chinese did not want to sell Kristine even though the one I will probably get her was made there.

So, in a way, I was at the Olympics myself. Notice how I mentioned nothing of fencing or beach volleyball? Yep, all that would have been lost on me thanks to the Olympic Volunteers and the perplexing use of the word "hamburger" on children's clothing. Welcome to my world.